Mamma

Dear Mamma, I miss you

 Dear Mamma, how are you ?

I often wonder  where you are watching me from. I know you are because every now and then…not too often mind, I feel you. I almost smell you, almost feel the warmth of your embrace.

I generically miss you which is to be expected, but some days more than others. Today I miss you a lot. No reason in particular…or maybe because today I met a women (a funny woman) and she reminded me of you,   how  I remember you once were

How is it where you are?

I  imagine a cold dark place at times…filled with the stench of nothingness…empty and rotting. Also  a fearful place that consumes with an inner terrifying fear brought about by loneliness and regret. Wanting to touch wanting to hold…wanting to be touched and be held.

Mummy what’s it like?

Do you wonder about year after year searching for us ….or are you filled with joy, happiness and at last peace…a type we can only imagine?

Do you love? Are you loved? Is it green and lilac is it tranquil?

As much as I miss you I do not want to know for myself and do not want to join you…I hate that you are in a place I fear the most and so feel even more detached from you. I feel ridden with that guilt. You lay in the dark place of my mind….you lay in the cold empty place…..a place I would not like to see, however joyous and pleasant it may be. Maybe I need reassurance that its ok, ok to see you.

But I do miss you  Mummy

Why didn’t I come by you ask? I don’t know why. Is it idleness? I tell or convince myself I don’t like the place but  its because to visit you means I must  confront my own mortality. Im  scared.

I long for you dearly, but dont wish to be with you  anytime soon.  Give me a sign…let me know that you watch me from a pretty place…a warm place and pleasant place that novels were written of and love modelled on


Until someday...

your loving daughter xxxx